Losing It – TWICE! 2 of 2

Aug 18, 2010 by classicgrrl

Divorced, broke and scared was how I started my new life in Cincinnati.  It was the best thing for me but it was damn frightening.  I felt I knew no one; I had never had a social circle but had found I was adept at meandering my way around on line.  Woxy.com and Cincymusic.com were my lifebloods at battling fear.  Looking back on my journals, I was mostly just terrifically afraid – not lonely as so many warned me about.  I did not write of loneliness and do not remember even feeling very alone; in fact, I felt adventurous.  I was also enjoying my new body.  I bought new clothes (mostly thrift store but new to me) and saved up money to splurge when I could.  I went out dancing which I had never done, took myself to the movies alone and had my first dates in 10 years finally meeting a romantic, vastly intelligent man who would put with my shenanigans.

However, I was still so afraid.  The fear that I really could not take care of myself, that I would not be ok was so pervasive in my life; I just could not shake the old programming that girls from my side of the tracks  just don’t do well.  I watched my calories but standing on my feet all day in retail negated working out.  I iced my swollen, aching feet and calves every night.  I kept the weight off for 4 years but the little black rain cloud slowly came back as I struggled to get out of retail and back into what I thought was a more professional role.  It would take me from 2001-2005 before I finally was able to beat my way back into education.  Looking back 4 years really was not very long but it was far longer than I had anticipated.  I still wanted a Master’s degree and the longer I slaved in retail the more my body seemed to break down and the further I watched my small dreams slip.  I was aching all over – standing all day on hard floor is exceptionally hard on one’s back, hips, knees, and especially the feet.  I knew if I did not get out of retail soon I was headed for health issues and I made so little money I could not afford doctors’ office visits.  Retail is legendary for poor health insurance.

I was out one night right before I accepted my position back into education.  I was wearing a skirt and blouse combo I had worn many times before without thinking about it.  A girlfriend commented that I looked very “J Lo”.  I knew she meant I had gained weight…and that was it.  I stopped going out, began eating again and fell back into my old thinking patterns.  I had gained about 15-20 lbs and probably weighed what I weigh now (about 150) but when you are on a downward spiral, you do not recognize that.

From 2005 – 2009 I negotiated a 39% pay increase for myself from my first gig, obtained my long dreamed about Master’s degree, bought and moved into a house, took a higher paying job…. and gained 70 lbs.  It was only after losing my job in 2009 and taking my new position back in Cincinnati (I had worked in Dayton), that something once again snapped.  I looked at myself and saw my mother.  I was 39 and I did not want to move into my older years fighting the same health problems she was fighting.  I also desperately missed the thinner me and I decided to lose the weight.  I had done it once; I was sure as hell I could do it again.

And I did.  In six months the 70 was off.  I went back to my 1000 calories per day diet to the screaming and yelling of my Woxy.com community; found a whey protein powder and used that to keep my calories down.  I started a weight loss thread and doggedly posted daily about the small victories and defeats that come with big weight loss.  The Woxians thought my calories were too low but I knew I needed to kick-start myself because if I did not see quick success I would not stick with it.  Went back to the 1 gallon of water per day and visited the bathroom every 20 minutes for the first 2 months.  For my cardio, I rowed and for my weight training, I designed a series of body resistance exercises.  It was amazing that the weight dropped off me as quickly as it had the first time. 

Discipline, willpower and self-control are in the grasp of anyone but in small doses then you must take a break so I did that this summer.  I watched my calories carefully not overeating and without exercising, I kept the 70 off.  I have recently started my workouts and I find I really do miss them – struggling a bit with the calories especially in the evening.  However, I believe I can lose the last 15 or so – I do not know whether I can get back down to 130 as I am now 10 years older than the first time.  My stretch marks are more noticeable and I have more wrinkles around my eyes but I was able to lose one more thing along with the weight this time around that makes me think it is permanent:  The fear. 

The fear I have carried around with me since I was 9 years old is gone and for the first time in my life I know I will be ok.  I no longer hold my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I honestly and truthfully believe I will never gain the weight back. 

When I started graduate school in 2006, I received a new label.

Want to permanently change your life?  Change your label.  Who knew?