An Appeal To Anthony Bourdain

Jun 28, 2010 by Nathan

I admit it: I’m a fan boy. Not since Sean Penn had to have his monstrous ego held back by dozens of cops as he travailed for his lost daughter at the crime scene has an emotional response been so dramatically overdone in a manner of this proportion. It’s Bieber-esque. I recognize the folly, the ridiculousness, yet I choose to casually ignore it. Partially because I know it’s a useless proposition to ask myself to change, partially because No Reservations is on right now so I don’t really have time to deal with it. Oh God, there he is! I hear his voice! I want those boots! In all seriousness, I really like the dude and his show, but I would describe my actual level of hysteria as mildly controlled. It’s at most a man-crush, a glorified bromance, mostly because of his job. Also if I can turn out however-old-he-is and still look like that, great. You won’t find me shrieking at painful decibel levels my affection. Then again, who knows how my body will choose to react if ever an opportunity faces me? What I really appreciate about the man is his unflinching honesty and persona towards travel and American culture, most likely better introduced, I believe, over a couple beers and some fine charcuterie, rather than a public speaking engagement. The question I actually got most asked when I told people I would be seeing him was “what is he going to do for two hours?” I… don’t know. What, indeed? Talk?

Well yes in fact. He talked the whole time, and man was Cincinnati captivated.

I enjoy his writing, especially in his newest book Medium Raw which I started recently, but I couldn’t agree more with Wine Me Dine Me on this one: he excels as an orator. He filled the entire segment with his raw perception of reality, family, opinionated anecdotes of other celebrity chefs and their often asinine TV shows, plenty of literal F-this’ and F-that’s (at least 94), and some rather hilarious one-liners, my favorites being the comparative “Sandra Lee’s Kwanzaa cake video makes Two Girls, One Cup look like Dora the Explorer” and the oh-so-wrong “we should tell our children that eating McDonald’s food makes you a retard.” He even took time away from the verbal ego-massage that was the crowd’s response to every zinger to deliver a brilliantly well-placed jab to our hometown’s most nostalgic of food items: on Bobby Flay, he made the statement that he could cook anyone under the table when it comes to chili… (pause)… “especially here.” Cue. Largest. Crowd moan. EVER. The whole evening ended with some great Q & A, and then he was gone stage left… but I am so flabbergasted at what I consider a glaring oversight on our part: not a single person, myself among the guilty party, asked him when he would be bringing the show to Cincinnati. So here, to relive the moment that could’ve and almost certainly would’ve been, are some words:

(brave man, possibly me, approaches mic): *ahem* Hey Tony?

(Bourdain): Why yes, local fan?

(man): Can you bring the show to Cincinnati?

(Bourdain): Ok, sound good! Let’s all go to Nada! Drinks are on me!

(Delightful Applause)

Aaaand scene.

I feel most disappointed with myself. I mean, I was saying it loudly… in my mind. But I let the chance go by. I honestly have no real expectations for what I’m sure would be an awesome moment for this “sleepy little Germantown”, getting to host such an awesome show. I have no doubts it would be the more surprising episode of the season to viewers, to Anthony himself and even most Cincinnatians, because contrary to some over publicized weirdoes’ perceptions, this city is very much alive and has a lot to offer, like award winning restaurants and culinary educators, some of the best breweries in the country, an unbelievably rich architectural history, and one hell of a baseball team (or so I’m told). Just so you know I can help with all that food and beer stuff, and I know a lot of people who would like to as well. Believe me, we’ve got a lot more than cheap watery chili and that not-a-museum across the river.

To coin a phrase used on your show often, Cincinnati definitely doesn’t suck. Hope you got my calls, Tony.

(Have an itinerary planned for a No Reservations: Cincinnati show? Couldn’t care less? Let it be know in the comments.)